positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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