Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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