I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
