your room smells of hookers.
And success
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just want to make out with him forever
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
