Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Can you bring me the toilet please
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
