What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Randomize
