I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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