I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
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The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
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Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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