Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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