i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
It was confusing and full of hummus
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
only you would photoshop your dick
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
