i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
