Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
