my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
