so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
