He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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