I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
