there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
