We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
