Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
