he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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