It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
