it hurts more in the daytime
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
