dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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