When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
