bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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