i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
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I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
They took my balls.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
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Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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