I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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