Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
