Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
