If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
