The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
