when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
