apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
