My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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