My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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