I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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