When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
