I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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