I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
