my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
