I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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