So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
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he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
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Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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