I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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