Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
