i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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