woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
