you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
