Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
