I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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