On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
