I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the condom got lost in my hair
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
