Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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