when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
