I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
it's like iHOP with fire
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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