i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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